Ulta and Sephora Haul: Husband Edition

As the husband of a beauty blogger I spend the majority of my time blissfully doing what ever I want. Indeed I spent almost no time what so ever thinking about beauty products. And, then we go to the mall and everything grinds to a suffering halt at one of two places; the bathroom at Macy's or the bathroom in Chipotle.

Soon after we continue to either Sephora or Ulta. And, I know full well that I'm about to walk into an alternate universe where my opinions on anything are completely irrelevant but are paradoxically immediately necessary.

I think this says it.

I think this says it.

I gladly continue because that's what any good partner does. And, the "manly" reasons not to go in are the awkward hetero-male feelings that don't border on internalized homophobia and misogyny / they blatantly cross the threshold and sit outside / too scared to walk into a feminized environment for fear of being seen as submissiveness, feminine, or homosexual.

That said, I never buy anything from these stores. My haul is entirely experiential. And, here it is.

1. I AM A GIANT AMONG WOMEN

I'm like Hodor the whole time I'm in there. Instead of Sephora handing out baskets they should have a special strap to hang products on your husband like it's Bran Stark so he doesn't even need to use his hands to hold fifteen things that if he set down, anyone could switch out not just one or two of the items but all of them and he would have no idea. You just hang a basket from him like he's Mr. Snuffleupagus' low IQ brother Mr. "That shade looks great".

Also, there is not single thing in either Sephora or Ulta that requires me to reach up. Can you even imagine how that feels for a man to be so useless, he can't even be asked to reach something on a high shelf. The only time I'd ever reach up in an Ulta or Sephora is if I was being held up at gun point. 

2. IF I SIT OUTSIDE I'M NOT A MISOGYNIST, MY LEGS ARE TIRED, AND I'M COMPLETELY USELESS

The only reason I went in there to begin with was to make a point. Jesus! Let me take a seat and play Muffin Knight.

3. WHY AREN'T THERE ANY MUTHAFLIPPIN CHAIRS IN THE MALL

I'm tired of leopard print ottomans and random stools. Who has ever sat in a stool and felt any relief. A stool is basically just a tool to stand with a little less effort. I want a seat with a back that isn't made out of granite with a perfectly placed ledge to stab me in the back. I know the mall doesn't want people loitering, but come on. I shouldn't have to go to a restaurant to find a place to sit that's comfortable.

4. WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT "GLOSSY BOX", I LAUGH

I know that's not even in Sephora or Ulta, unless, I'm completely wrong. But, I just thought you should know that is a hilarious name and I'm laughing along with every other outside observer who might laugh at "GLOSSY BOX". That's the type of name that if I were at a party with the person who came up with that I'd be like, "Gimme FIVE! HAHA!"

5. THANK GOD WHEN YOU'RE DONE. LET'S GO.

It's not even a choice to feel that every time. I've legitimately tried to be make sure I'm not rushing my wife out of these stores but there is something in me that is eternally happy as soon as those trips are over. I'm like a dog when their owner comes home. "YAY. The wait is over!" And, life is just great.